I was already planning to go out to Tesco on the scooter in the nice cold fresh air, but the situation with the housemate had made me feel paralysed, balancing between despair and total rage. My friend was able to talk to me for 10 minutes, and encouraged me to gain the strength to get up off the bed. So I did, and I went out, hoping to reset myself and gain some calm from the outdoors.
But then on the way back I did an almost hilariously stupid thing— there’s one (three-lane) road I usually have to cross over on the way back at some traffic lights, and I usually glance up to see what colour they are— if red then I stop and see if there’s anything coming, because that particular traffic light sequence is fixed and takes forever to change, and at night the cars come in bunches with big gaps between.
Anyway, I saw they were red, but in my mind interpreted them as green (red for me, therefore green for cars). And as I was approaching the crossing, they changed to amber (so in my mind they were changing to red, but they were changing to green since they started off red!). As I started crossing I did a quick last glance to the right (as I usually do) to check the cars were actually stopping, only to see that I’d just narrowly avoided being run over, and cars on the next two lanes were approaching, though slowing. It was terrifyingly close with the first car, and it was so disconcerting to go and check the lights and see they were green.
I’m really annoyed at myself for doing such a stupid thing, even whilst doing everything right and being careful as always. I cycled for years on roads, including busy ones, over tens of thousands of miles, and I’ve done over a thousand on the electric scooters and never made a mistake as big as that before. And all while trying to do something to help myself and which took a lot of strength to go out and do, and it almost backfired spectacularly 😆.
I’m also annoyed because it was obviously exacerbated by the mental state I was already in, because of the stress from the housemates. And for sure my mind was stressed and busy at the time, even as I tried to relax. At the very same time I was consciously trying to break out of a looping OCD thought, which is typical anyway whenever I try to relax at the moment. And there’s been plenty of situations where OCD has almost led to disaster, especially when I had to live in my car. So I guess I should just feel lucky and go easy on myself.