Hell In OCD

I’ve had a particular OCD compulsion which has been consuming me all year,
Taking up several hours or more of each day,
It’s so incredibly intrusive and pernicious,
To do with readiness, not being agitated by a physical discomfort,

I repeat the compulsion which solves an imaginary problem,

The point is that more than any other compulsion it’s been the one I’ve become most lost in,
And is the most difficult to snap out,

It usually reaches a point in each day where I am able to snap out of it,
But only after much time and energy wasted;

Once I am out of it, I have such overcompensating energy and focus for the things I badly wanted and needed to do,
Which has been conserved through remaining motionless for the whole day,
That the day becomes extended, much longer than 24 hours,
And my body clock processes by a few hours per day;

There have been sporadic whole days where I’m able to not do it,
And it does rapidly fade from mind on those days,

The problem is I always find a way or a reason or an excuse or a justification…
To begin it all again the next day;

The way that the OCD mind achieves this is just…inexplicably creative;

I am sure that if I can string together a weeks’ worth of days,
It’ll disappear, just like that;

It has meant that for most of the year I don’t get to choose what I accomplish in each day,
Amongst so many, many things I could do,
For example sending a return letter to somebody which I’ve been trying to do since July,
The days always end in accomplishing the bare minimum (eating, washing, laundry);

Everything is so possible yet impossible,

I need to find a way out of it.


Photo byΒ Erik McleanΒ fromΒ Pexels

πŸŒͺ

6 thoughts on “Hell In OCD

  1. If you are not in counseling, please get into some. You may need a psychiatrist who can prescribe some anti-anxiety medication for you. I wish you the best of luck. πŸ€πŸ€πŸ€β€οΈβ€πŸ©Ή

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks :), I’d love to, but there just isn’t the opportunity here in the UK without paying. It’s a battle for everything, and even having somewhere to live is currently taking priority over that. Once I have somewhere to live and then somewhere suitable to live, I can actually make good progress by myself since I understand ERP. I made some great progress before πŸ™‚

      Anyways, thank you for the good wishes! πŸ’™

      Liked by 1 person

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